Trusting God

I don’t have everything and I don’t know everything and every day I'm convinced that I still have more questions than answers. I have a very curious personality and I love discovery and I love research. I think I like this because it's how I'm wired. I'm an answer kind of girl. I love answers. I love knowing. I love learning. I love being informed. Not having answers to all of life's questions I’ve learned through the years is okay. But I wasn't always okay with that. In the past it use to bother me a lot. In fact it made me feel quite barmy because HELLO ... as a woman, I just wanted to know. Can anyone relate??? But through the years, I’ve learned that it's okay to have more questions than answers and I've learned to trust God more and more. Today, I trust Him with everything. 

Trusting God isn't always easy because sometimes there are many voices that you must silence so you can first enter into and develop an ongoing relationship with the One and only living God. You must learn to listen for His voice, to trust Him alone.

To say you trust God when life is going well is easy but to say and to practice that you trust God when life is difficult is a completely different story. Trusting God can feel intimidating when your mountain or your giant is facing you right smack in the face. And it's especially daunting when you don't know God's Word or His promises for you. And beloved reader, there are so many beautiful promises in the Bible to read and remember. Oh how I wish all people knew them. Trusting God is a process of hearing God's Word, reading God's Word, and believing God's word. It also includes opening yourself up to God in conversation, through prayer. And like every healthy relationship you invest in, it grows more intimate with time. 

Half of my life has already been lived and already I can tell that I have a pretty long history of God's faithfulness in my life. One of the benefits of journaling is that I can go back and re-read old journal entries to remember God's faithfulness and how He brought me through a difficult season in my past. That has been an incredibly helpful exercise that increases my faith in Him when I'm going through difficulty. 

What I've learned about trust is this: You can only trust someone when you really get to know them and only when you feel comfortable enough with them. But here's the caveat and a pearl: Even when you feel like you can trust someone, man is capable of letting you down but God will NEVER let you down. God never disappoints and He only desires and provides you with His very best. 

Through the years I have invested time and energy learning about God and getting to know Him and His character through Jesus Christ. I've come to learn that He can in fact be trusted. Trusting God is a life long activity. For me, it's includes surrender and asking God to take my worry and replace it with rest. It's about surrendering fear and asking Him to replace it with peace. And through the years, I've actually uttered the words: "Okay God, I'm tired of doing it my way. My way isn't working. Let's do it Your way. If You lead me and guide me, I will follow." I've learned that God desires the very best for us but He will never force Himself or His way on us. We must choose Him and His ways. The choice is ours. And because God is our Abba Father, He knows best. 

For forty five years, God has provided for my every need. Notice that I didn't say my every "want." Everything I have needed, God has provided. When I think about how my life started and where I am today, I feel rich, rich in every sense of that word. Rich is all encompassing and it's not just about money or things. I'm so thankful for His goodness. God has always been there for me and He has always been more than enough. Through an active prayer life, I'm learning that God's answers are always right on time. Sometimes God answers yes, sometimes He answers no and sometimes He says be still and trust Me. Waiting hasn't and isn’t always easy but I’ve learned that His answers are always timely, just and best. I've learned that I can't always see what He sees but what He sees and what He desires for us is good and it is He who I trust. I want what He wants for my life. I want to live at the very center of His will and I want to become every bit of the woman He created me to be. 

Sometimes when I think about how much God loves us, it overwhelms me. Have you ever experienced that? When I sit quietly and ponder this, I am filled with so many wonderful emotions and so much gratitude. Today was one of those days where I sat and pondered His love for me and it overwhelmed me. Today my spirit feels a deep sense of gratitude for who He is and for what He is doing in my life. I can’t always see it, but my spirit senses it. Have you ever felt that?

Through the years I have also learned that nobody could ever really love us unconditionally. Sure, people try but only God can love unconditionally. And nothing you could ever do or say or have ever said or done or didn't say or do could EVER make God stop loving you. Ever. Please re-read that last sentence as often as you need to. I've learned that man does in fact desire to love unconditionally but he is not capable because he is not God. Man is human. God is not. Human beings often stop loving because of deep hurts or disappointment or fear but God never stops loving you. Never. Only God can love unconditionally. Oh that He knows us and still loves us amazes me. That God hears the cries of our hearts and responds so tenderly moves me to tears.

Today, I’m thankful, so thankful for God and to God. I’m thankful in the midst of where I am and who I am. I'm thankful that He is faithful and that I can trust Him. Last week Wednesday, my Pastor's wife, Grace was teaching and within the first five minutes of teaching she said the words: "Trust God alone." I can't remember what else she said that evening only that she said to trust God alone. That was my take away. That was my word from God. It is He who I trust and I'm trusting Him alone. 

God you know me and you love me anyway. Thank you for your unconditional love. My cup runneth over …   

Until next time,

Ruthie

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever. ~ Psalm 136:1

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.        ~ Proverbs 3:5

But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." ~ Psalm 31:14

O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you. ~ Psalm 84:12

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud,  to those who turn aside to false gods. ~ Psalm 40:4

A note to my girls

Below is an e-mail that I sent to my favorite girls this morning. These girls are the women I do life with. These are the women that I love and trust, women who have blessed me immensely through the years, women who have been there when I needed them. Through the years, we have done so much together: coffee, dinners, movies, dancing, concerts, road trips, sleep overs, drive by's for hugs and flowers and countless of hours talking and listening. We've cried together, laughed together, prayed together and have loved and supported each other through life's most difficult seasons. Today, I'm super thankful for these amazing women and for the gift of friendship. 

Several years ago, I ran into my 4th and 6th grade teacher at a grocery store in Park Ridge, IL. Her name then was Miss Farrell and yes, she was my teacher both in 4th grade and again in 6th grade. Our encounter occurred as I was shopping for dessert, I was headed to a dinner party that evening and she was shopping for provisions. We spotted each other somewhere between the produce section and the dessert area. I was thrilled she remembered me, probably because she taught me for 18 months and even happier when she shared with me that my face hadn't changed a bit since she last saw me. Really??? Bless her heart for sharing that with me. That made my day! As we chatted and tried to catch up on twenty-five years of life, she shared with me that she eventually married but had just lost her husband that year due to an illness. I think she said cancer but I can't remember clearly. She shared with me that she met and married him late in life. She added that although she met him late in life, she experienced a beautiful marriage and the years that she had with him were wonderful. I was really glad for her because he left her with fond memories of love. That's a beautiful gift. 

I will never forget what she taught me that day. She said to me, "You know, Ruth, if it wasn't for my girlfriends, I would have never survived such a painful season in my life." She added that she was grateful that her years as a singleton allowed her time to invest in her friendships because it was her girlfriends who were there for her when she needed love the most. Her parting words to me that day were: "Invest in your friendships and never take them for granted because it's your girlfriends in life who will be there for you when it matters the most." Two and a half decades later, this lovely woman was still teaching me. Isn't that amazing? God bless her where ever she is. I have never forgotten those words!  And I will never forget her or her teaching spirit. Thank you Miss Farrell!

Below is the note I sent to my girls via e-mail this morning:

Well Good Morning my darlings, 

How are you on this fantastic Monday morning???

The verse below from the book of John really ministered to me and encouraged me yesterday when I read it and again this morning when I re-read it. Seriously, this verse makes my heart smile. Sometimes, God's word just WOW's me. Doesn't it WOW you sometimes? I love those WOW moments. I live for those WOW moments! And last night and again this morning, this is the verse that has me saying: WOW! I wanted to share it with you, my lovelies who I love so much! Each of you bless me in your own unique way and if I haven't told you lately, thank you. Thank you for being you and for being part of my life and for your goodness and for how you bless me. I never want to take for granted that I have such amazing, beautiful women and friendships in my life. 

The coming days and weeks will be busy, no doubt. This is always such a busy season but this year, during this season, I'm being super intentional about spending extra quiet time with God. I even deactivated my Facebook account so I can stay focused. I know!!!! Can you believe it?!!! Even Michael is shocked! LOL! (I think he thinks Jesus might be coming if Mama deactivated her Facebook account. LOL!)  ; )

Dear ones, I'm wishing for you an awesome week filled with gratitude, gratitude for life, love and God's goodness and blessings. Girls, He is so good to us and He loves us so much. Even though our lives are less than perfect, life is still so beautiful and filled with such beauty. I'm being intentional these days about so many things and lately, I'm looking for beauty in the ordinary, in our every day lives. And you know what? It's there. We just need to look for it, even when things feel hard and dark, even when we feel frustrated and sad, even when things don't look like they're changing. 

My sweethearts, may God's favor be upon you today and every day and may He bless you with wisdom, discernment, good health and peace. And may He provide for your every need during your journey. I love you. Never doubt that. 

With Gratitude for our friendship,

xx, Ruthie

But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come. ~John 16:13

Gratitude

For three years now, I post something every day during the month of November on Facebook sharing with friends and family what I'm thankful for. I do this because I want to encourage others to think about gratitude and to live with gratitude and also because this practice helps me slow down long enough to share what I'm grateful for. It helps me recognize how blessed I really am to be alive and to experience such blessings. Every day may not be a perfect day but every day has something in it that we can give God thanks for. 

Living with gratitude is a practice and I live with gratitude daily to a holy God for His goodness in my life. Everything I experience I've learned has something to teach me and I've learned to be thankful in all things. Someone once said that gratitude turns what we have into enough. Such true words ... As I get older, I'm learning to become content in all things. I don't have everything I want but everything I need I have and for that I'm grateful. I never want to take for granted that I live in such a rich country. When I consider how others live in other countries, it makes me feel like a spoiled brat when I want more, more, more. Sometimes, I just need a reality check and I must remember, that I have all I need. In fact, I spent most of 2012 purging and gave away so much. It wasn't easy but in the end, it felt good and I feel SO free! Less really is more. It's about dynamic equilibrium. That's just a fancy way of saying: balance. ; ) 

At age 45, I've come to recognize that I want to live the rest of my life appreciating every waking moment as much as possible. I realize its not always possible but every day I've learned is a gift from God filled with beautiful and sacred moments. I want to recognize and acknowledge these extraordinary and sometimes quite simple moments and whisper quiet thank you's to God Almighty for allowing me to witness and experience such beauty.   

I found a video on gratitude tonight on Pinterest. I really enjoyed how it slowed me down for six minutes and how it made my heart smile and feel grateful. I'm pretty sure it lowered my blood pressure too. It's a lovely and ponderous video. Click here to view it. I hope it blesses you.

So ... tell me. What are you thankful for today?

Until next time, love and blessings to you and yours ...

xx, Ruthie

May the Lord bless you and keep you and may His face shine upon you. May He be gracious to you, lift you up and bless you with His peace.  ~Numbers 24-26

When God’s face shines upon you, that’s Big Daddy smiling at you, beloved.

The link between gratitude and joy

If you wake up every morning loving the people you do life with and you get to do work that you love whether you get paid for it or not, you are blessed.

If you wake up every morning with deep rooted contentment and gratitude, you are blessed and your life is filled with joy.

Joy in my opinion and in my personal experience is directly connected to contentment and gratitude. I’ve learned that joy is very different from happiness. And while happiness feels absolutely wonderful, we must admit it never really lasts. Happiness comes and goes like the things we buy come and go. And although “things” are nice and some are very necessary, joy is rarely found in the things we acquire or how much we acquire.

I’ll be the first to admit that I super love shopping and I love beautiful things and decorating and creating beautiful spaces and love things that make my life comfortable, convenient, beautiful and happy. But happy is very different from joy. And it's important to recognize the difference. 

Sometimes or a lot of times, we shop when we’re bored and that’s always a dangerous thing. Been there, done that ... a lot! More often than I care to admit. When we shop like that, we’re often trying to fill an emptiness that lives deep inside of us. We rarely recognize it as emptiness but it's a real void, a void we try to fill with "stuff." And that emptiness could never be filled with “stuff.” That kind of emptiness is something only God can fill. It's only His love and His healing touch that can fill that God shaped hole. 

The things we acquire may bring momentary happiness but happiness is not joy. The things we purchase and acquire lose their novelty after a while and when that happens, those things no longer bring us happiness as we once knew it. And so what do we do? We go after the next best thing to make us happy. And so the insanity continues. And whether it's shopping or something else, we find ourselves repeating the same behavior over and over and over hoping for lasting happiness but happiness is always short lived. Happiness is fleeting, it comes and it goes. It was never intended to last because happiness is a momentary emotion. What does last is joy. And what we need in life is joy. And while happiness is wonderful and beautiful, joy fills us up. It lights us up and sustains us in ways happiness can't. 

Joy is very different. I’ll start by telling you what joy is not: Joy is not happiness because happiness is fleeting. And joy is not ridiculous and copious amounts of happiness which is what I thought it use to mean.

The definition of joy is deep rooted contentment and gratitude.  It’s contentment and gratitude for God, life, people and self.

If I had to summarize joy, I would summarize it in two words: God and gratitude. Without God in my life, I could never experience gratitude the way I do today. Gratitude bestows reverence for a holy God and for His goodness and kindness in our lives. And the result is joy. 

Gratitude for me is just one of the many ways I cultivate joy in my life. Running to and reading God's promises in the Bible produces great joy in my life. Re-reading old journal entries and recognizing that I have a long history of His faithfulness in my life and in the lives of others produces great joy for me. And praising God in prayer and in song also produces joy in my life. It just lights me up. 

I believe many people flirt with gratitude but not everyone lives with it daily. And it’s not because they don’t want it. I think it’s because there’s a huge misconception out there when it comes to gratitude. I think people have come to believe that life must be good, like all the time to live with daily gratitude. Life won’t always be good or feel good but God is good, like all the time. He’s the only constant in our lives and God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And because we can count on Him and His promises, we can experience joy. And because we have a future in Him, we can experience joy. 

If you’ve lived long enough, you’ve learned by now that adversity visits each of us at one time or another but that shouldn’t stop us from living with gratitude. In the midst of our difficulty, we can still be thankful and hopeful because God is in control and God is for us. That truth brings me great comfort and I pray that it will bless you and bring you comfort too. 

I’ve learned that living with gratitude doesn’t “just” happen. It didn’t just happen for me. It came from a genuine desire to live life differently, a real desire to experience joy and a genuine desire to connect and cultivate a relationship with a living God not just sometimes but daily. Gratitude requires desire, intention and practice. Jeremiah 29:13 says, "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." And Matthew 7:8 says that those who seek, find. 

I have learned to be thankful and to live with gratitude in spite of life's difficulties or the hardship I've experienced in life because God is good. He’s full of love and mercy and has poured out His grace on my life over and over and over. Living with gratitude not only produces joy but it's healthy. It creates positive energy that flows through our body and shines through our eyes.   

I’ve also learned through the years that joy is experienced through giving, giving to others and giving to self. And in order to be good to others, you must learn how to cultivate being good to yourself. I've learned that people can't give what they don't have so learn to be good to you so you can  be good to others. 

And when it comes to giving, we can give in tangle and intangible ways but the most memorable and lasting gifts are rarely tangible but deeds done with love and the words we leave behind when we love and connect with others. 

In 2004 I read a book that helped me realize and learn that we’re hard wired for connection. I had never really given that topic much thought until I read that book. That was quite eye opening for me. I learned that God created us for community, to connect and to love. That’s why we’re here and so it makes sense to give. Giving is a natural part of community, connecting and loving.

My exhortation to you today is to practice gratitude. And while you’re at it, cultivate and practice compassion, compassion for self and compassion for others. Practice, grace, play, rest and stillness in your life. These are the things that will produce joy in your life. 

If you’re not practicing this with regularity or at all, start today. It’s never too late to start. And it’s never too late to be good to you and to others.

Rehearse this and re-rehearse it as often as you can. Practice and never give up because practicing gratitude and self-care is a gift to self and a gift to others. And when you practice that kind of goodness, it makes you well physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

As always, many thanks for stopping by. Wishing you joy and wholeness always,   

xx, Ruthie

Give thanks in all circumstance; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.                    ~1 Thessalonians 5:18 

Did you notice that the above verse doesn’t say give thanks “for” all things but “in” all things?

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude. ~G.K. Chesteron (English writer)

Life, Family, Love

Quiet, pensive, thankful morning. (Yes, the girls [my nieces] are still sleeping.) So thankful for our time together and the new memories we created in four days. Yesterday was a day filled with much laughter. At one point, we laughed so hard, we could hardly breathe. Pure awesomeness! Fantastic moment!

My heart feels so full, and in a way that only these lovely little girls can fill it. We’ve had four great days to catch up on you know … “stuff,” connect and create new memories. I learned that Leila, who is 9 1/2 wants to be a Cryptozoologist which I had never heard of until this past weekend but that's my Leila and Haley who will be 12 next month is thinking about becoming a writer. Awww .... And we’re always a little naughty when they come and stay with me. I let them eat ice-cream way past 8pm and we stay up until midnight most nights, okay every night chewing bubble gum, watching a late night movie or playing games.

This visit has made me realize how quickly they’re growing up. They’re smart, expressive, creative and wild dreamers. I love that about them!  Their company is easy because they're old enough to help in all sorts of ways as we plan and prepare for our days. I’ll miss them terribly after they leave today. My house was full of life, LOTS of energy and estrogen for 4 ½ days. I loved it, my cat Simone …. not so much. Together, we might have been a bit much for her. Leila especially loved hanging out with her big cousin Michael, my son. She never left or allowed him to leave without telling him she loved him, so sweet. She was always so excited when he came home. He's great with kids. 

Yes, today I’m thankful indeed. Thankful for life, family, and love and thankful for how these three things connect us and breathe life into us.

What are you thankful for today?

Until next time,

xx, Ruthie

Living with Gratitude

Can you believe it's March already??? Whoa ... I can't. The days continue to fly by so quickly. Is it me or is everyone experiencing an extremely busy season??? 2011 for me ended on a busy note and 2012 has been ridiculously and relentlessly busy. Don't get me wrong, I love busy. In fact I thrive on busy but I DO NOT LIKE crazy, I can't catch my breath, did I forget to turn off the iron this morning busy. Seriously, it feels maddening sometimes. 

And as fast as March arrived, I'm glad it's here. March reminds me that spring is around the corner, such a delightful thought, isn't it? And as I ponder that thought, I find myself taking in a deep breath and exhaling slowly. Spring makes my heart feel happy and hopeful because it marks a new season filled with beauty, new-life, expectation and new energy. As I sat quietly for a few minutes tonight before I came to blog, I found myself thanking God for such a wonderful winter. We've experienced an extremely mild winter here, unseasonably warm for Chicago, the warmest winter we've experienced in 80 years in fact. The mild winter helps me to appreciate the sunshine and warmer weather when I'm out and about running errands during the noon hour. It's during the noon hour that I can escape for a bit into the elements, catch my breath, drink in the sunshine and relish the warm winter air. I thank God for blessing a girl like me with the ability to appreciate little things we sometimes take for granted because we get wrapped up in busyness. Tonight, I also thanked God for blessing me with the ability to get through such a busy season. I feel so carried by Him and in ways I can't articulate with words. It's an "only God" thing. Truly, only God.

Tonight my heart is brimming with gratitude and I trust and hope that I will continue to live with spirit-filled gratitude no matter how busy or trying days might feel because life as I know it is still filled with richness and relishable moments and lovely people and a God who loves me. In fact, He loves all His children. I'm especially thankful for my relationship with a living God who gets me, who walks with me and who blesses me with super-natural strength for my journey. And for that dear one, I'm thankful. 

Today is a Thursday filled with much thankfulness, no doubt. And tomorrow is fabulous Friday. Hurrah! I absolutely heart Fridays. I love the energy I feel in the air on Friday's. People seem happier and tend to be more thankful on Fridays. And I love that. 

Until next time, may all your days be filled with things, experiences and people to be thankful for. Wishing you and yours a fantastic day and weekend.

xx, Ruthie

P.S. Below you'll find some photos I found on Pinterest this evening that compliment my spirit of gratitude. Enjoy ...

I heart this quote ... 

Recapping a thankful November

Last year during the month of November, I posted one thing I was thankful for each day on Facebook to shine light on living with gratitude and to encourage gratitude in others. I encouraged other Facebook friends to join me if they felt inspired to.  There was no pressure to participate and to my surprise, many joined me and daily we posted together. It was a wonderful daily exercise and such a delight to read what people were thankful for, big or small. This year, starting with November 1^st, I decided to do a repeat and encouraged others to join the gratitude movement. Many did! And for that I’m thankful because choosing gratitude requires intent focus by today’s living standard and the blessing in it is that it causes joy to rise in our spirits. And what the world needs I believe is more joy, don’t you think? The world needs alot of things but it certainly could use more joy. Joy is lovely, intangible, immeasurable and oh so necessary if we want to flourish and thrive.

Below you’ll find a cataloged list of what I posted on Facebook for the month of November through today, Thanksgiving Day. I hope it blesses you and may it inspire you to think about what you're most thankful for today.

As always, thank you for choosing to stop by and for following the posts on Ruthie’s Corner.  Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

With Gratitude,

xx, Ruthie

11/1/11
Today I'm thankful for will power and discipline and for the deep rooted hope my heart feels today.

11/2/11
Today I'm thankful for Diana my fabulous esthetician who does a fab job in reshaping my eye brows.

11/3/11
Today I'm thankful for the gift of friendship. Looking forward to dinner with a dear friend tonight.

11/4/11
Today I'm thankful for sunshine and for the great people I work with each and everyday. Happy weekend everyone!

11/5/11
Today I'm thankful for sleep and for the little extra hour we're gonna get tonight.

11/6/11
I think rubbing alcohol is brilliant and the easiest way to disinfect my smart phone. I like it w-a-y better than the wipes from Clorox, leaves no streaks. Thankful for new methodology's.

11/7/11
Dear God: Today I'm thankful for you.

11/8/11
Today I'm thankful I found a $20 Starbucks gift card in my wallet. Mmmm ... life and coffee feel oh so good this morning. Happy day everyone!

11/9/11
Today I'm thankful for the amazing leaders, mentors, coaches and unsung heroes in my life, past and present.

11/10/11
Had a fab night tonight. Girlfriend time rocks. Love my new French gifts, our convo, laughs, martinis and our fab pasta dish. What a great Thursday. Thankful.

11/11/11
Dear God: Today I'm thankful for my freedom and for the peace it brings. Thankful for those who served our country in the past and with much gratitude I ask that you pour out special blessings to those who are serving today and tomorrow (future). Bless their families too. So-o thankful for the courageous men and women serving today.

11/12/11
Whoa! I slept like a bear in hibernation. I just woke up (2pm). I knew I was exhausted but had no idea to what extent. Even I'm amazed! Thankful for good sleep. It’s so necessary. Happy Saturday everyone!

11/13/11
Today I'm thankful for God's word and His promises to us. There are many in His word. His word and my relationship with Him are the reasons for my joy and for the hope in my heart.

11/14/11
Today I'm thankful for friendship, prayer and old friends who call you out of the blue who breathe life into your life.

11/15/11
Your light makes me fall in love all over again. Thankful for this new day.

11/16/11
God's greatest blessings often come in unexpected packages. I like that. I like that a lot ... and I'm thankful for that today.

11/17/11
Today I'm thankful for people who just get me. I love and honor and cherish those rich connections.

11/18/11
Today I'm thankful for the people who take the time to share what they've been thankful for on FB. It’s such a pleasure to read those posts because it encourages gratitude for me all over again. Happy day everyone! xoxo

11/19/11
Today I'm thankful for love. Thankful for what it produces, how it attracts and heals, empowers and builds up. Yes, love is good. Thankful.

11/20/11
I attended my first “open” AA meeting in Libertyville this morning to support a friend. And today I'm thankful for his sobriety (3 yrs now), his inspirational story and how moved others were today to hear his story. Alcoholics Anonymous is an outstanding program! ... Thoroughly impressed!

11/21/11
Today I’m grateful for my voice and prayer and for recognizing that prayer and faith activate God’s power in our lives.

11/22/11
Today I'm thankful for answered prayers and for kind people who reach out to me to encourage me to keep writing. Today I received an email that left me crying in gratitude.

11/23/11
Today I’m thankful for a five-day holiday.

11/24/11
Today is Thanksgiving Day and my heart is filled with ridiculous amounts of gratitude, gratitude for big and small things and for people, experiences and for what I’m learning in this season. Today if I had to summarize what I’m thankful for I would say it includes: love, forgiveness, second chances, my health, peace, prayer, family, friendships, grace, hope, strength, courage and faith.  Yes, it’s a lot and I’m thankful for all of it.  Today I’m grateful for a holy God who realizes that I'm fabulously flawed and who chooses to loves me anyway. Just writing that brought tears to my eyes. Today what I have feels like enough, more than enough and for that I’m grateful, grateful for a spirit filled with contentment. It’s no small thing when I consider how I’ve lived most of my life. I think I’m finally growing up. I think I'm finally growing into the person God created me to be and that feels good, real good and for that I’m thankful.

So it is with great gratitude that I wish you a very happy and blessed Thanksgiving Day. Many thanks for reading. 

Until next time,

xx, Ruthie

 

Gratitude

Last year during the month of November, I decided I wanted to shine some light on living with gratitude during the month of November. I did this by spending some time every day thinking about what I was most thankful for and then I posted that one thing on Facebook to share it with my Facebook family. Many of my friends on FB loved the idea, ran with it and began posting thankful posts as well. This absolutely thrilled me. It’s was like a mini-gratitude movement. How lovely! I have to say, it was really fun to read their daily thankful posts. It actually made the month of November a little more exciting when I logged into Facebook and it helped me learn more about them too. The idea was birthed either the morning of November 1^st last year or possibly the day before. I can’t remember all that clearly, I’m just glad I ran with the idea and posted every day because the pay off blessed me and I think it blessed others too. I posted for many reasons, partly because its the month we celebrate Thanksgiving but mostly because I wanted to do something to encourage a paradigm shift in thinking and to shine a light on living with gratitude. Those who logged into FB regularly read my daily thankful posts. I prayed and hoped that my posts served as a reminder to give thanks to a holy God for the goodness in our lives. I also posted and shared because it helped me too. It helped me to rise and end my day with gratitude. I’ve learned that every day is not a perfect day but there’s always something in our day that is good and we should be thankful for that. I also posted because I truly love inspiring others to live with gratitude. I think its in my DNA.  

We’re living in a day and age where negativity is every where. It’s always been prevalent but lately it seems ridiculous. We hear it in various forms and from various mediums such as the local or global news we watch on television or what we hear on the radio. Sometimes the negativity comes from a chronic complainer who giftedly manages to find something to awfulize each and every day. Can I get an Amen here? These are the individuals who need a dose of positivity pumped into their veins, daily! We all encounter them, don't we?  We encounter them at the work place and sometimes they show up at family gatherings. There's no escaping them but bless them, because I think they’re the ones that would benefit the most from a paradigm shift. My friend Katie and I call them our extra-grace-required (EGR) encounters. And contrary to most people's opinions, I don't believe they're a hopeless cause. They just need many people to be a light in their world and some would def benefit from professional help for sure. They need people to not be afraid of their pain. Their negativity is almost always a symptom of some sort of pain they're carrying. These people I'm learning often need more encouragement, attention, love and affirmation because somewhere along the way, they didn't get enough of it.

In light of how fun and successful my daily thankful posts were last year, I decided to do a repeat this year to encourage living with gratitude. I can only hope and trust that my thankful attitude and my Facebook posts will inspire others to live with gratitude as well even if its only during the month of November.

Yesterday my thankful post was: I’m thankful for the deep rooted hope my heart feels. I'm hopeful and prayerful about many different things these days.

Today I’m thankful for the little trip I’m making to my favorite little day spa to get my eye brows waxed. Yes, it’s not an over the top thing but I’m always super thankful when I receive any type of pampering. Always makes me feel a little happier. And happy is good, isn't it? :o)

What are you thankful for today?

Until next time, be well and be thankful …

~Ruthie

p.s. The picture I included in this post is a picture frame I purchased at Crate and Barrel recently. Instead of a picture, I decided to use it to encourage gratitude. The frame sits in my office at work on a book shelf. It’s the first thing I read every morning when I walk in and it serves to set the tone for a great day filled with gratitude. And a strong cup of coffee helps immensley. ; )

Sacred mornings

I'm basking in a magnificently quiet and slow morning. I love mornings like today. The sun is shining gloriously and the wind is soft and kind. The current temperature is 62 degrees Fahrenheit; yes a perfect fall morning indeed. I’m writing to you from my deck with a cup of coffee. My deck faces a large empty field and life feel tranquil from this view. As I write, I hear church bells tolling from the other side of the field, along with the sweet sound of birds and crickets chirping. What a beautiful and melodious sound as I contemplate a solitary morning. I’m thankful for moments like this. Moments like this feel sacred because I feel peace, I feel content, and I feel connected to my Maker, such an amazing feeling. Sacred mornings like today fill my heart with gratitude, such a beautiful gift. Thankful ... 

A good morning always begins with a strong cup of coffee and a spirit of thankfulness ...

Until next time, 

~Ruthie

Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee. ~ Saint Augustine

The Day I learned I had Cancer

Journal Entry: Written on Friday, October 2, 2009

My note to God, 9-28-09.

During the spring of 2009, I discovered a small yet pronounced lump in my right breast. It wasn't visible to the human eye but I could certainly feel it when I rolled my fingers over it. I really wasn't nervous when I first discovered it either. I remember thinking that it was probably fatty tissue or calcium deposits ... something but not cancer. I felt the lump for the first time in May 2009 and it wasn't until late June that it really sunk in and I realized that this was a real lump and could potentially be a serious matter. I concluded in that moment that this deserved professional attention and scheduled an appointment to see my doctor the first week of July.Two mammograms later on Friday, August 28th, I found myself having the lump biopsied because the mammograms indicated that the lump wasn't normal. The biopsy confirmed that the cells in the lump were abnormal and that this lump was the pre-cursor to cancer but thankfully it wasn't cancer. I was also told that the lump needed to be removed to avoid the development of cancerous cells. So on Thursday, September 24th, on my 42nd birthday, the birthday girl had a lump removed from her right breast. Even though I had to under-go surgery on my birthday, I still felt pretty lucky and incredibly thankful that the lump was not cancerous and that we could do something about this before cancer happened. I remember thinking: Good job Ruthie. It's good that you went in to see the doctor when you did. This is good. Sure, a Lumpectomy is going to suck, but it's not cancer so hurrah! 

At 12:20pm on Monday, September 28th, I got the call. My surgeon called me with the test results from my Lumpectomy. He said he would call around noon that day and he did. Unfortunately it was not the news I had hoped to hear. The lump that he removed was still benign but he told me that they found cancer in my breast. Ductal Carcinoma in-Situ is what he called it, also known as DCIS. The word in-Situ means contained. The cancer was found in tissue next to the lump that was removed. The pathology report indicated that the cancer appears to be contained but he said that he wouldn’t know for sure until they biopsy a few lymph-nodes near my right breast. He added that I need one more surgery to remove additional tissue in my right breast to see if they can get clean margins (clean/uncancerous tissue) which would help determine if my cancer had spread to other areas. It also helps determine what stage the cancer is in. He recommended another incision near my right arm pit to have a few lymph-nodes removed during this surgery to be biopsied. The main lymph-node is called the sentinel node and he wanted to remove that node in addition to a few other nodes to determine if my cancer has spread to my lymphatic system. My head dropped and my heart sank when I heard him say “one more surgery.”  And I didn't like having to hear that he couldn't tell me with certainty that my cancer was contained. My right breast was still so sore and tender and it still ached and throbbed from the Lumpectomy just four days earlier. In that moment, I couldn’t imagine having one more surgery. The thought of one more surgery seemed unbearable, unimaginable and left me feeling terribly sad and afraid that my cancer had spread. The hard reality that cancer had invaded my body was a difficult truth to accept. I couldn’t understand how this was happening. How did this happen to me??? This is the kind of stuff that happens to other people, I thought. And when you hear about it, your heart feels sad for them and you visit them and hold their hand and pray for them but you never imagine cancer happening to you. 

My surgeon is a kind man with an incredibly calm demeanor. And he was incredibly patient with me on the phone as I asked what seemed like a million questions. Gosh, what a tough thing to have to do. It has to suck to have to deliver such horrible news to someone. I can't imagine how many times he's had to make a call like that. Does it ever get easy I wondered? He told me that I will likely have many more questions before we meet again and encouraged me to write them down. I'm scheduled to see him on October 3rd for my post-op appointment. He added that he'll address any and all questions I have regarding my diagnosis and next steps when we meet and that he'll give me all the time I need. He also shared with me that together, we'll schedule my next surgery when I see him and that during this visit, he’ll recommend a Radiation Oncologist and an Oncologist to follow up with for treatment. I needed to hear the word "together" because in that moment, it made me feel less alone. When cancer happens to you, you feel so alone. Nothing about cancer feels normal. And nothing in life has prepared me for this moment.

So how did I feel that day?  .... Incredibly sad for sure. Sad because I knew the days ahead would be tricky and nothing short of unfamiliar. All of the sudden, things felt uncertain in life. I remember feeling really sad for my family. And I felt deep sadness for my son. I remember thinking: I'm his biggest cheerleader. This can't be happening. I can't go anywhere, not yet at least. I also remember thinking that my son and I have endured and survived so much already. Now this? Cancer? Really??? ...  I was in shock to say the least. I felt dismayed, disheartened and terribly confused that this was even happening to me. What could God possibly be up to? I know God didn't cause my cancer but He did allow it and I know there's purpose in everything we endure in life. On the phone I remained remarkably composed. And even though the surgeon's voice and his words were clear, they didn't seem all that clear to me because who comprehends cancer? My brain felt foggy and my heart sank and lurched to hear the words: You have cancer, Ruth. Oh my gosh ...I have cancer, I thought to myself. At this juncture in my life, that was by far the most surreal moment I had ever experienced. I think I needed someone to pinch me in that moment because I was in a state of disbelief. I remember my ears ringing during that conversation. I think that was shock setting in. That feeling was so weird. I recall the surgeon telling me something about my diagnosis being treatable or maybe even curable with local management. And to that, I wondered: what does that even mean? How long will it take? And does it come with a guarantee? At the end of our conversation, I remember thanking him for calling with a soft and polite voice. When the call ended, there was a short pause, then a deep breath, then suddenly an explosion of emotions. There were many tears. The tears were projectile in nature and gargantuan in scale and over flowed in an uncontrollable manner. The tears didn't end for a really long time it seemed but in actuality I think I cried hard, really hard for 15 minutes straight on. I cried so hard, I could hardly breathe. Have you ever cried that hard? Ugh ... It's quite horrible. It's an anguish I don't wish upon anyone. It's such an awful feeling. When someone cries that hard, you're crying from the deepest recesses of your soul. At this point, I had my head down on my desk and I just sat and I sobbed. I sobbed in deep sadness, but I think I also sobbed in gratitude because we think; [I hoped] my cancer was caught early. I cried, "Oh God please let this be the early stage of cancer!" To sob was all I could do in that moment. I didn't have any brilliant words or brilliant thoughts to console myself. I couldn't even pray really, not yet at least. All I could do was cry and cry some more. In that moment, I was inconsolable. It was that big ugly cry, you know the one that only happens when deep sadness enters your world uninvited and unexpectedly. That news pierced me. What's perplexing and quite interesting is that my gut didn't prepare me for this. I almost always have a clammy feeling when something is going to go horribly wrong. I felt pretty certain that my news would be good and that I would be okay and that life as I knew it would go on. After all, I had a birthday I still needed to celebrate because I had spent my 42nd birthday days earlier at the hospital, having breast surgery. Imagine my surprise to learn that cancer had taken up residency in my body. It felt harsh and it felt cruel. In boxer terminology it felt like someone had just hit me below the belt. It didn't seem fair and it didn't seem right. On that day and in that moment, I remember thinking: Oh how I wish the phone would ring just one more time and have it be my surgeon telling me that he had made a terrible mistake, to please forgive him and that I really don't have cancer. If he called I remembering thinking, I could forgive him. After all, mistakes happen, right??? ...  But the phone never rang. {sigh} ...

The tears finally ended and when they did, I felt exhausted. I was completely drained and felt terribly confused. I remember thinking: What's happening to my life God? My face was red and wet from all the tears I had shed and my nose was terribly stuffy. I was struggling to breathe from my nose because I had cried so hard and for so long. In the moment I was a hot mess and desperately needed Kleenex and comfort and rest for sure but mostly, I needed God to rescue me. I needed and still need Him to come and heal me. I felt too exhausted and totally overwhelmed to do any real research that afternoon. I remember carefully crawling into bed coddling a very sore and tender breast due to surgery just days earlier. I curled up in a fetal position, feeling incredibly vulnerable and praying with tears falling out of my eyes pleading with God to please hear my cry for help and to please be with me during this journey. If there was ever a time I needed Him, I needed Him now. I confessed and admitted that I've been needy in the past when things were hard, when life was hard and scary but I also admitted that nothing, absolutely nothing in life has prepared me for this. I reminded Him [like He needs reminding] that for some people cancer shouts: Game over! I told Him I don't want my game to be over. I pleaded with Him and told Him that I can't do this without Him. I'm not that strong I confessed. But I know that He can make me strong. I know this because I have a L-O-N-G history of His faithfulness in my life. I asked Him to please give me strength for my journey and to please, PLEASE spare me from death anytime in the near future because I'm not ready. I'm too young I pleaded and I love life too much. This is awful I remember thinking. I remember feeling a bit desperate. It felt like it was too much to bear. I could feel my heart beating and my chest felt heavy. But I know that I don't have to bear this alone. On that day and even today as I write to you, deep down inside, I know that no matter how difficult the days ahead will be, I still have a God who loves me, who won't leave me and who won't abandon me. The Bible says that He will never leave us nor forsake us and that if we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us. I believe that with all my heart and I need to keep believing that in spite of how I might be feeling in the days ahead. It's time to exercise faith muscles. I'm inviting Him into this process. After all, He's still in control and I know that He loves me so I'm going to keep trusting Him. I still have my faith and the love and support of my beloved friends, my beautiful family and my amazing prayer warriors who pray fervently [really, they do] and I know that this is just one more bump in the road that must be traveled. Today I'll admit that I have more questions than answers and that I don't really understand why cancer happens and why it happened to me but what I know for sure is that I know the One who does and I know that God will use this for something good. I'm believing in that. I also know that I am not alone. I am loved and for now that is enough.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

~Hebrews 11: 1

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. ~Romans 8:28

   
Note inserted Monday, September 5, 2011:

I'm happy to report that today; I'm cancer-free and incredibly grateful for that gift. It wasn't an easy journey but I got through it. It took 18 long months and five surgeries after my biopsy in August 2009 to get through my treatments and all the complications by body experienced due to medication and treatment. God, my friends and my family were all there to help me. Thank you friends and family! I'm so thankful for you! Life isn't always easy, it's hard sometimes, really hard but its always worth living. Here's my confession: After my radiation treatments ended in December 2009, and as grateful as I was to be alive, I can't deny that sometimes it felt like a daily challenge to trust God because there were so many crazy complications that kept surfacing. Let's be frank, sometimes its super hard to trust God with the unknown in our lives. Most of the time, and most days, nothing made sense to me. There were days, many days, I feared that my cancer would return. I didn't understand why my body was failing me. And I missed feeling healthy. And every where I turned, fear kept rearing its ugly head but I fought hard against it with prayer because I refuse to live my life governed by fear. In fact I know I don't have to live with fear or be governed by it because God's word says in 2 Timothy 1:7 ... For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline. During that season in my life, God used my friend Tony to help me remember this verse. In fact, every time I read this verse, it reminds me of him. Bless you Tony and thank you! And by the way, did you know that the Bible says "Fear not" 365 times? Yes! ... 365 times! I bet its written that many times because God knew in advance that the spirit of darkness would tempt us to live in fear. God not only calls us to live fearless lives but he encourages us many times over through his word in the tune of 365 times (verses). 


Here's what I've been learning about difficulties: When God does not remove a difficulty from our life, He's not punishing us. He allows difficulty to take place and He allows us to endure the difficulty for however long, to refine us, not define us. Read that sentence again if you have to. I've also learned that He provides us with just enough strength and grace and mercy to get us through our difficulties. I remember reading a quote several years ago that really stood out to me. You've probably read it too. The quote read: the only way out is through. Friends that is so true. Sometimes the only way to learn the lessons, or to become better, or to be refined is "through." There's no doubt that the difficulties in my life have shaped my character. I hope and pray that I'm becoming my best self and that I'm becoming the woman God created me to be because of them. Friends, life isn't always hard and it doesn't always have to be hard but when it is, lean on God. He wants us to be our best selves and He wants us to live our best lives. And He'll provide strength, grace and mercy for your journey. He also wants us to live our lives trusting Him for all things and believing Him for all things. I would be remiss if I didn't share this last thing with you. This is my final confession. My cancer journey helped me to discover things about myself, things that were good and honestly some things that weren't so good, things that I needed to work on. I'm working on them. I haven't overcome all of those things that need to be worked on but I can honestly say that I'm at least "aware" and honestly, in life sometimes, that's half the battle. Today, I'm doing the hard work of working through those things one at a time and as I'm getting "through," God is blessing me with enough grace until I overcome. I'm thankful for that. 


Friends, I'm so grateful for what I'm learning in life. Because of cancer, I've learned to live with gratitude in new and fresh ways. In spite of my imperfections, and in spite of hard days, I've learned to live EACH day with gratitude because its a gift that I'm even here today! Being diagnosed with cancer and living cancer-free and getting "through" has reminded me to cherish my life and to give God thanks in all things. Notice that I didn't say "for" all things but in all things. Cancer taught me to celebrate life in a new way. It reminded me that big moments are worth celebrating but it also taught me that small moments and small mile stones are worth celebrating too. When you're battling cancer, you quickly learn to celebrate small milestones. So today I live with gratitude and I live and love well. And my message to you today is to live with gratitude and to live and love well because life is a precious gift. Please allow my story to help you realize that life can change with a single phone call. Please allow my story to help you cherish your life in a new and fresh way. Laugh and celebrate big and small moments. Forgive and ask for forgiveness. And when you forgive, don't forget that its equally important to forgive yourself. Did you hear that dear one? Forgive yourself. Let yourself off the hook. I think sometimes the hardest person in life to forgive is yourself. Here's what I've learned about humanity and the wounds that we receive and the wounds that we cause: Hurt people hurt others. Sometimes its intentional and sometimes its not. If you've hurt someone, whether it was intentional or not, that action came from a place of pain. The symptom of pain is anger and your anger is what caused you to hurt another human being. And if you've been hurt, that action also came from a place of pain. Someone else had pain that they were carrying which surfaced in anger and caused them to hurt you either directly or indirectly, intentionally or not. I have to say that when I learned that, that was an aha moment for me and it helped me to forgive others and it also helped me to forgive myself. So choose forgiveness because healing always follows forgiveness. And when there is forgiveness there is peace. And when there is peace, you sleep better and life feels richer. When I was a teenager, my mother use to tell me that "God don't make no junk." And that's how she said it too. My mom has an adorable broken American-English accent. When my mother said those words to me, she was reminding me that in spite of my mistakes, I'm still a person of value. We're all people of value not because of our accomplishments or where we live or how we live but because of who we are. We're people of value because we were made by a holy God who loves us endlessly, and unconditionally, flaws and all. Let's mark that on our hearts today. 


A final note of gratitude:


Thank you Mom for reminding me that I'm a person of value regardless and for teaching me that people matter. Thank you for teaching me about God and Jesus whom I affectionately called "Papa Dios" when I was a little girl. Papa Dios means "Father God" in English. And thank you for being my caregiver during my cancer journey. Mama's are so special and you are one special lady. I'm so grateful and thankful that you were here with me. I felt less alone, more comfortable, and more loved. You prayed for me, you sat with me, you cooked for me, you cleaned for me, and you did my laundry. You took good care of me. I can't imagine having survived all of that without you. Thank you! And bless you. And a special thank you to my son Michael for hanging in there and for loving me and for helping in so many different ways and for remaining strong in the midst of our difficulty. We got through it! Thank you friends and family for your contribution during my cancer journey. It meant and still means so much to me. Your love, your prayers, your trips with me to the hospital, your visits, your cards and gifts and encouragement all made a difference. Thank you! And a BIG thank you to God, my Papa Dios for always being there, for being my comforter, my friend, my strength and my healer. I'm lost without you and any and all goodness in me today is because of you. God does some of His best work through people and it was during my cancer journey that I discovered how much my friends and family love me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the hands and feet of Jesus and for making a difference in my life, especially when I needed you. My cup runneth over ...   

Until next time, 


~Ruthie