I think there is a lot in life that I’ve done too fast, too quick and without much thought. And I'm pretty sure that's why I like slow today. It’s probably why I’m now intentional about slowing down and why I’ve become comfortable saying no to others and yes to me. I've learned that I can't be all things to all people at all times. Sometimes a girl just needs to get off of the merry-go-round and be still.
My decisions have always been either deeply thought out and considered or completely spontaneous without much thought. Rarely have I found anything in between. And as I ponder that, I think it’s because when given too many choices, it’s kind of hard for me to decide. I weigh everything carefully and if it's a big decision, I positively pray about it. I eventually make a decision and sometimes I find that I will wrestle with questions that plague me and I ask myself a gazillion times if I made the right decision. This is especially true about the BIG decisions in life, like when I purchased my first home or when I purchased a new car a few years ago. So somewhere along the way, I just began trusting my spontaneous decisions. At first it was scary because it's SO not congruent with how I'm wired. Sometimes I fared well, and other times the decision was disastrous. Sometimes I just have to tell myself: "Seriously, Ruthie ... it's not that serious. Pick a color and run with it toots." ; )
Lately, I’ve noticed that both my heart and my spirit are listening in ways I haven’t been able to hear before. And I'm noticing that this practice is serving me and others well. My decisions are wiser and I'm feeling more peace about my decisions. This is one of my most interesting seasons ever. Of course, every season is interesting because each one is unique and beautiful or hard in its own way but this season has been peppered with a kind of goodness I haven't experienced before. So many things are playing out in really good ways and it feels interestingly different in the best possible way. I've noticed that I'm growing in new ways and I can tell that things are changing inside of me, and I'm liking this change and I like the new me that is emerging.
It’s day seven of the New Year and as I ponder and look over my goals and review my vision for 2013, I’ve decided that I want to continue to really hear and see, and feel. I want a healthy kind of slow. I want to hear myself think and breathe, speak and pray. I don’t want to run from one thing to the next without really breathing. I've done that and I'm so over that.
Many years ago during the early years of adulthood I found that I would run from one thing to the next because I couldn't wait for the next big thing and also because when I didn't make wise decisions, I didn’t want to slown down long enough because if I did, it meant that I would have to pay attention to how I was feeling and I didn't want to pay attention. The real truth was: I was afraid. I was afraid to allow myself to feel. I was afraid of what I might discover. And because discovery often leaves you with the question: "What are we going to do about this?" Eventually, I grew wiser and learned to take periodic time-outs to listen and to pray and to learn from my experiences. I learned to invite God into this practice and into my every day life and I discovered that that's where the healing begins.
And then I entered a season which was not so long ago when I felt ravenous about everything and I couldn’t do enough. I wanted to do it all. Truth be told: Some where deep inside of me I felt like time was running out for me even though I no longer showed any signs of cancer. I’ve been cancer-free for three years now and I no longer want to run from one thing to the next without really being fully present and engaged and without feeling rushed to do the next best thing on my list. I no longer want to over load myself gratuitously. I'm learning that I need to learn to tap into my inner tortoise with more regularity.
I want 2013 to be filled with beautiful moments and amazing experiences, some that I will create and others that I will fall into, that will unfold naturally as they should. I want to become my best self ever this year. I want to listen well, love more, speak less and say more. I want to become a better learner and give more. I want to become wiser and read more and write more and become fitter mentally, spiritually and physically. But I don’t want to be rushed; I want a healthy kind of slow. I want it to have rhythm and I want it to feel like a dance and I want to relish every single moment of this year because life is still so beautiful, even with all of its imperfections. Yes, indeed. I think this girl knows what she wants this year and what she wants runs at the speed of slow.
How about you? What is your heart desiring in the New Year?
Until next time,