If we had coffee today I’d tell you: Failure is not determined by what you lost.

Failure is not determined by what you lost. When you lose, its an opportunity to keep on keeping on, to push through, to set your eyes on the prize. Be wise. Aim high. Nothing is impossible when you align your desires with Gods desire for you. Absolutely nothing.

If we had coffee today I’d tell you: Nothing is wasted.

Loss, difficulty and pain do not have the last word.

The Lord, His intention, His purpose, and His love have the last word.

Nothing is wasted. 

(Read Romans 8:28)

Prayer

Sometimes prayer is talking to God, sometimes it's listening and sometimes it's a combination of both. Whatever it is, however often you do it, just do it because prayer changes things specifically when we pray according to God's will. You may not see things change right away, but don't let that discourage you because in the spiritual realm, things are changing. Give God time.

Until next time, keep praying.

xx, Ruthie

Trusting God

I don’t have everything and I don’t know everything and every day I'm convinced that I still have more questions than answers. I have a very curious personality and I love discovery and I love research. I think I like this because it's how I'm wired. I'm an answer kind of girl. I love answers. I love knowing. I love learning. I love being informed. Not having answers to all of life's questions I’ve learned through the years is okay. But I wasn't always okay with that. In the past it use to bother me a lot. In fact it made me feel quite barmy because HELLO ... as a woman, I just wanted to know. Can anyone relate??? But through the years, I’ve learned that it's okay to have more questions than answers and I've learned to trust God more and more. Today, I trust Him with everything. 

Trusting God isn't always easy because sometimes there are many voices that you must silence so you can first enter into and develop an ongoing relationship with the One and only living God. You must learn to listen for His voice, to trust Him alone.

To say you trust God when life is going well is easy but to say and to practice that you trust God when life is difficult is a completely different story. Trusting God can feel intimidating when your mountain or your giant is facing you right smack in the face. And it's especially daunting when you don't know God's Word or His promises for you. And beloved reader, there are so many beautiful promises in the Bible to read and remember. Oh how I wish all people knew them. Trusting God is a process of hearing God's Word, reading God's Word, and believing God's word. It also includes opening yourself up to God in conversation, through prayer. And like every healthy relationship you invest in, it grows more intimate with time. 

Half of my life has already been lived and already I can tell that I have a pretty long history of God's faithfulness in my life. One of the benefits of journaling is that I can go back and re-read old journal entries to remember God's faithfulness and how He brought me through a difficult season in my past. That has been an incredibly helpful exercise that increases my faith in Him when I'm going through difficulty. 

What I've learned about trust is this: You can only trust someone when you really get to know them and only when you feel comfortable enough with them. But here's the caveat and a pearl: Even when you feel like you can trust someone, man is capable of letting you down but God will NEVER let you down. God never disappoints and He only desires and provides you with His very best. 

Through the years I have invested time and energy learning about God and getting to know Him and His character through Jesus Christ. I've come to learn that He can in fact be trusted. Trusting God is a life long activity. For me, it's includes surrender and asking God to take my worry and replace it with rest. It's about surrendering fear and asking Him to replace it with peace. And through the years, I've actually uttered the words: "Okay God, I'm tired of doing it my way. My way isn't working. Let's do it Your way. If You lead me and guide me, I will follow." I've learned that God desires the very best for us but He will never force Himself or His way on us. We must choose Him and His ways. The choice is ours. And because God is our Abba Father, He knows best. 

For forty five years, God has provided for my every need. Notice that I didn't say my every "want." Everything I have needed, God has provided. When I think about how my life started and where I am today, I feel rich, rich in every sense of that word. Rich is all encompassing and it's not just about money or things. I'm so thankful for His goodness. God has always been there for me and He has always been more than enough. Through an active prayer life, I'm learning that God's answers are always right on time. Sometimes God answers yes, sometimes He answers no and sometimes He says be still and trust Me. Waiting hasn't and isn’t always easy but I’ve learned that His answers are always timely, just and best. I've learned that I can't always see what He sees but what He sees and what He desires for us is good and it is He who I trust. I want what He wants for my life. I want to live at the very center of His will and I want to become every bit of the woman He created me to be. 

Sometimes when I think about how much God loves us, it overwhelms me. Have you ever experienced that? When I sit quietly and ponder this, I am filled with so many wonderful emotions and so much gratitude. Today was one of those days where I sat and pondered His love for me and it overwhelmed me. Today my spirit feels a deep sense of gratitude for who He is and for what He is doing in my life. I can’t always see it, but my spirit senses it. Have you ever felt that?

Through the years I have also learned that nobody could ever really love us unconditionally. Sure, people try but only God can love unconditionally. And nothing you could ever do or say or have ever said or done or didn't say or do could EVER make God stop loving you. Ever. Please re-read that last sentence as often as you need to. I've learned that man does in fact desire to love unconditionally but he is not capable because he is not God. Man is human. God is not. Human beings often stop loving because of deep hurts or disappointment or fear but God never stops loving you. Never. Only God can love unconditionally. Oh that He knows us and still loves us amazes me. That God hears the cries of our hearts and responds so tenderly moves me to tears.

Today, I’m thankful, so thankful for God and to God. I’m thankful in the midst of where I am and who I am. I'm thankful that He is faithful and that I can trust Him. Last week Wednesday, my Pastor's wife, Grace was teaching and within the first five minutes of teaching she said the words: "Trust God alone." I can't remember what else she said that evening only that she said to trust God alone. That was my take away. That was my word from God. It is He who I trust and I'm trusting Him alone. 

God you know me and you love me anyway. Thank you for your unconditional love. My cup runneth over …   

Until next time,

Ruthie

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever. ~ Psalm 136:1

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.        ~ Proverbs 3:5

But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." ~ Psalm 31:14

O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you. ~ Psalm 84:12

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud,  to those who turn aside to false gods. ~ Psalm 40:4

What my parents divorce taught me

Joe & Tina, Circa 1963

Meet Mom and Dad. Most people know them as Joe and Tina or Jose y Tina but I know them as Mami and Papi, pronounced: mommy and poppy. Aren't they lovely in this photo? It's so vintage looking and one of my faves. 

This is who I came from, who I'm bonded to, who I came to love first. Sadly, my parents are no longer married, but if they were, they would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this month. 

I was thinking about that tonight and remembering some of our very best moments and countless hours spent at our kitchen table, eating, talking, laughing, storytelling and drinking coffee. Gosh, those were good times. Our house was like a revolving door. Someone was always coming or going or visiting and I loved that about the home I grew up in. I'm incredibly grateful for the fond memories I have but I would be lying if I told you that I didn't miss that. Truth be told, I still miss it. Not in a way that's consuming but when I think about our family, and those fond memories, I miss "us." I miss the old times, the connectedness, the laughter, the traditions and that we were a family with parents who were still married to each other. I'm one of four, the oldest of the girls and we have one brother. When my parents announced that they would be divorcing, everything changed. And I mean everything. It was one of the most painful experiences in my life, in my family's life. Nothing prepared us for that moment. We were utterly shocked, confused and dismayed. And nothing about that season or that process was subtle or peaceful or made any sense. Their divorce had a ripple effect on our entire family. 

I was thirty-one when my parents announced the divorce and so-o far from God at that point. During that time in my life and for most of my life, I had compartmentalized God. I put God in a pretty little box and only tapped into the box when I needed Him, when I needed help, when I was hurting. The news of the divorce wrecked me, it did for many years. I lived with a pervasive ache and sadness. Deep inside, there was always sadness. On the outside, I looked put-together but my insides would tell you a completely different story. During that season, I learned to smile when I felt sad and forced myself to keep going when everything inside of me wanted to scream: stop! PLEASE STOP! I wanted life to stop just long enough so I could breathe, really breathe and process what was taking place in our lives. During that season, my heart hurt ... like all the time. When the divorce was final, my father moved away and we lost touch and I missed him terribly. Oh my gosh ... did I ever miss him. Little girls always need their daddy's, even if the little girl is 31. He first moved to another state, then he left the U.S. altogether. We were now separated by a large body of water. What we knew as tradition and what we came to know as family needed to be redefined. We struggled as a family to find new meaning and to create new traditions. The divorce left us baffled and with a hole in our hearts, a hole that took years to heal. The hole penetrated our hearts in November 1998, one week before Thanksgiving Day and the divorce was final in the spring of 2000. The month was May. Thirty-eight years of marriage had come to an end. It was especially painful because my father announced that he had fallen in love with someone else, someone who was 19 years younger than him, who he eventually married. And because we had such a difficult time processing his decision, he decided it was best to stay away. We had no address, no phone number and lost all contact with him. Sadly, when he divorced my mother, we felt like he divorced us too and it hurt like heck. But today, things are different, different in a really good way. I'm happy to report that for the most part, we're all in a much better place emotionally and most of us have healed from the experience. It took more than ten years for that to take place and it took alot of praying and patience and a determination to keep going, to choose not to fall apart.  

A few years ago, we reconnected with my father and he's now a part of our life again. I remember the day he called me. The day was Sunday. It was a beautiful and sunny August morning. In fact, he called all of his children that morning. Our hearts were so glad that day. Joy felt palpable again in a way I hadn't experienced before. In our hearts, we had already forgiven him and we were ready to embrace him and start a new journey with our father again. I love that we responded with such grace. This took place four months after my father's second wife had left him. I had mixed emotions. On one hand, I felt sad for my father because in a weird way, I could feel his sadness. But on the other hand, I felt happy. I felt happy to have my daddy back in my life again because I needed him. I don't think he ever realized how much I needed him through the years. It feels good to have him back in our lives. It felt right then and it still feels right today. 

Most recently, I learned that my parents spoke to each other again for the very first time in twelve years, something I wasn't sure I would see happen this soon. I learned that it was a good conversation, one where they were able to really dialogue and kid and laugh together like old friends do. When I learned about my parents' conversation, I was reminded that God still answers prayers and that he's still in the business of healing hearts. 

I share this very intimate story with you because I hope and I trust that it will encourage you in small or big ways. I'm not sure what hard thing you've had to live through or if you're living through a hard thing right now. And I'm not sure how many times you've cried yourself to sleep because your heart hurt so much you could hardly breathe or how many times you've cried out to God with your fist up in the air because you felt cheated and desperate for answers and for the pain to go away. If you've ever gone through any of that or if you're going through something really hard right now, please allow me to encourage you to hang in there, to remain hopeful and to pray and remain prayerful. Never stop believing that life can be different in really good ways because God delights in the impossible. 

What I know for sure is that my parent's divorce taught me several things. It taught me that I'm stronger than I gave myself credit for. I discovered that my mother was stronger than she realized, stronger than I realized. I'm so-o proud of her courage and her strength and how she leaned on God for strength and healing. That was SO difficult for her. I learned that time and God are great healers and that God really does hear our prayers. And until your prayers are answered, until the healing comes, alot of character building and growth takes place. And with time, I learned to view things differently, with grace and humility and through a new set of lenses. And after a while, I realized that I had a new perspective on life and hard seasons and I learned that I had the capacity to forgive without receiving an apology and I learned to let God be God. But it didn't happen over night and it didn't happen without surrender. I had to surrender dear one. I surrendered all my pain, and all my anger to God. I had to let go of the anger and give it to God because I realized and learned that anger will rot your soul like gorging on candy without ever brushing your teeth will rot your pearly whites. Anger is toxic and will make your soul sick and bitter if you hold on to it long enough and that's no way to live. I had to accept that I'm not perfect and I couldn't expect my father to be perfect either. I had to accept that his decision to divorce my mother wasn't a personal attack on her or our family but something that he felt he needed to do. Sadly, the marriage was over. And as difficult as it was to accept, I had to accept that my father was no longer in love with my mother. It was a harsh reality and one that I had to accept. I also realized that I was not in control. I couldn't make my daddy fall in love again with my mommy and if he did, I wondered if she could ever really forgive him. Her heart was so broken. And I wondered if our family would ever feel whole again. But I learned that if I partnered with God through prayer, things could shift and change and healing could take place. And when the healing arrived, I realized that was the blessing. That was God's blessing in and on our family. God wants all His children healed and whole.That's also when God filled the God shaped hole in my heart. He filled it with His love and such a sweet peace. I felt like I experienced a re-birth. I felt like I was born again.  I learned that new life is possible and available to each of us. I learned that life is filled with seasons and everything has a life cycle. My season of loss and mourning had come to end. It was now time to rejoice, to live with joy and to thank and praise God for the work He did and was doing in me and for helping me see things differently even when things hadn't changed just yet. And that's when I realized that I was more than just a survivor of a really hard thing in life. I realized that I'm a victor and not a victim and that God is really, really real and He loves to heal and restore families. Through this experience, I emerged stronger, wiser, delivered and healed.That's what I learned and that's what I know for sure.    

Thank you for taking the time to read this very intimate story and for hearing my heart through these words. I really hope and pray that this story blesses someone in ways that will fill your heart with hope and that you will walk away believing that with God, ALL things are possible. 

Until next time, 

xx, Ruthie

Yes!

At 2:35pm today I got the call, yes "the call.” The call I had been thinking about, praying for, hoping for and waiting for.  And when I got the call, it made me smile and scream: Yes! I had been hoping and praying and pleading with God for good news. Lately, most of my prayers have felt big, some were silent filled with tears and felt desperate most days for sure. My friends and family prayed too. Gosh, I love them for that and for so much more. I'm thankful for having such an amazing core group of loved ones in my corner who have been there for me.

Today I learned that the cyst that was attached to my right ovary and removed last week Thursday was benign and not cancerous. That news was like sweet music to my ears. I couldn't stop smiling when I got the news and I could seriously feel my soul smiling too. Something deep inside of me felt really, really good and incredibly thankful. In that moment, everything felt perfect and right again. I felt so relieved and so grateful for such fantastic news! It truly made my day. Fighting cancer once was tough enough and today I'm grateful for an answer to prayer, for being spared. Moments after I hung up, the most amazing thing happened. The biggest and most beautiful snowflakes began to fall from the sky and then big tears began to fall from my eyes. I felt so incredibly happy. It felt as if God was sprinkling joy in my world again and suddenly I felt like I could exhale and breathe, I mean really breathe again. What an amazing moment, what a fantastic day.

Healing is coming along quite well. I'm feeling better than expected and that feels good. I'm still quite sore and pretty tender and have learned that sneezing and coughing and getting in and out of bed are the worst! Oh how I take that for granted. So many muscles contract when we sneeze, cough and crawl in or out of bed. I get tired easily. I'm sure the pain medication has alot to do with this but I'm grateful for all the support I'm getting at home and for great pain medication and a sweet answer to prayer. Thank you God. Today, as my little corner of the world over flows with snow flakes falling from the sky, my heart over flows with gratitude.

Until next time, 

xx, Ruthie